Cool Kids Table

Nolan In The Deep?

Below, compiled for your reading enjoyment, are all the names friends suggested via Facebook and Twitter as the potential names for a Graham Nolan-based reality show. Presented below, in no particular order…

• Nolan With The Homies
• it’s a GRAHAManitcally correct world (Editor’s note: This entry is incorrect in both grammar and spelling)
• Graham’s Crackers
• This Land is Our Land, This Graham is Nolan
• No(lan) Country for Old Men. It would chronicle your quest to find either: 1) a date; or 2) a sugar daddy.

(Editor’s note: I already have a SDILF picked out. I hope me being a man who doesn’t watch the news isn’t a deal-breaker)

• Eason Down the Road with Graham. It would document you skipping through the street of NYC.
• TeleGRAHAM All About It. It would chronicle your adventures as a NYC bike courier.
• Graham’s Crackers! Then you can get roommates: one who is tall and super dark, or maybe even mocha dark, and the other roommate will be an albino chubby guy. Get it? Add chocolate and a marshmallow? ‎Alternate: “‘S’more About Graham”
• ‎”It’s Never That Eason,” the story of a struggling single dad and his crazy dog.
• Graham’d if you Do, Graham’d if you Don’t.
• G.E.N. X? 
• G.E.N. XXX?
• A Nolan Stoned Lathers No Boss?
• The G spot.
• Rev. Billy Graham Nolan’s Jeebus Hour
• Graham It All To Hell
• Gra-HAM

Music Mondays: Your Reality Show Theme

The lesson learned from moving to NYC then immediately venturing off for a 10-day Ohio odyssey: Never do this again. I mean seriously, I am WAY delinquent from my content generation and curation duties. I haven’t seen anyone shrug their responsibilites for this long since OJ took a hiatus from finding “the real killer.” Seriously, O.J., when most people want to find THEMSELVES they spend a semester in Europe!!! Am I right?!

You know what I’m talking about, Lance.

Oh, Lance. Anyway, onto the real focus of this belated Music Monday, wherein I ask the Cool Kids panel: 

You get your own reality show. What’s the theme song?

Andrew Hampp says: Last week on: VH1’s The Pursuit of Hamppiness (or The Pursuit of Hampp’s Penis, when it repeats on Logo)…

A dozen male suitors of varying sexual orientations, marital status and geographic location are vying for the affection of one Andrew Hampp, a young media professional who technically lives in L.A. but tends to date out of state and in the closet. When we first meet our contestants, Andrew greets them at his pickup joint of choice — a hipster BBQ in Echo Park, where no one can tell who’s straight, who’s gay, who’s single and who doesn’t even live in LA. After a series of “meat-and-greet” challenges (mostly ice-breaker exercises involving hot dogs), Andrew has eliminated our finalists down to 10 – after two suitors were found to be openly gay, actually single and based in L.A. Which unavailable man will Andrew kick off this week?
And then this plays…

James Goeke says:

Title: Party Baby
Channel: Public Access Channel 28
Premise: I dress up in different outfits/costumes and interpretive dance in front of a green screen for 30 minutes to various songs. Guest stars welcome.

Graham Nolan says: 

PREVIOUSLY ON “GRAHAM’d IF YOU DO, GRAHAM’d IF YOU DON’T…”

-Graham gets out of hand in Jersey, punching a girl in the face, then
punching a toddler in the face, then punching a parrot in the face
-Graham’s life coach visits and brings protein powder margaritas
-Irene accuses Graham of being gay. After throwing her teddy bear into the river, he chases her to her car and slaps that bitch.
-In a surprise twist at the Rose ceremony, Graham gives Betty White (THE ULTIMATE PUN) to the hunk of his dreams; she just sits there while they make out afterward

The theme song…

Georgia Kaltenbach says: My reality show- The Tired Times of Georgia Kaltenbach- follows my foray into motherhood and tracks the insane amount of rest deprivation that is inflicted upon me by my son.  Lots and lots of night vision camera work here.

Theme song: 

Ending Credit Song:

Kevin Aeh says: Oh hi. My show will probably be called ‘The Aeh List.’ It’ll probably be more along the lines of “Curb Your Enthusiasm,” in that it’ll have many “is this real life or not?” moments. I don’t really have the cast of characters or too many plot lines figured out. But I can tell you what this show does have: Catchphrases! Oh, the things “Kevin” will say on ‘The Aeh List’ include now classic lines such as “Oh hi.” “You go here?” “I’m listening.” “Diiiid I do thaaaat?” “I wish I could, but I don’t want to.” And more! Plus, we’ll introduce soon-to-be popular lines including “But, for me?…” “And then we laughed.” And the controversial “Black people are the worst.”

But before we build a show based only on slightly annoying catchphrases, we’ll need a theme song:


Kevin “Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!” Aeh

Busi Langa says: previously on “Capital B in D.C….”

B is for Blackout: Things got ugly in D.C. during a “girl’s night” when Busi had to take another random suitor to task for being politically misinformed and fashionably challenged and is eventually escorted out of a posh Capital Hill watering hole. Meanwhile on the home front, Busi finally gets a reprieve from the shenanigans of her hipster neighbors as school lets out for the summer. She can finally stumble home in peace!

on this episode…
B is for Boss: Busi flexes her professional muscle (and 4” stilettos) during a 3 hour conference call with the Johannesburg office. The $20million UN project is going under and heads will roll! But who said a hostile takeover has to be hostile? Busi’s friends also stage an intervention about the her on-again, off-again undercover office fling. He works in accounts payable! He doesn’t even have a graduate degree! Will Busi finally snap out of her afternoon delight haze?

And because i want to take people THERE, my theme song is…

Shannon Smiley says: Previously on “The Last Dazzler…”

Cynthia Felsburg says: Previously on “Feeding Cynthia,” Cynthia eats too much Canada Day cake and begins to think she might have a problem. An intervention takes place with her costars and cupcakes to Cynthia’s dismay. After several heated conversations, Cynthia promises to keep her cake intake to a minimum so long as she can cut the cravings with brownies. This leads to more arguments and her friend Will leaves the room to call the Betty Crocker rehab center.  The theme…

Alison Osterbur says: Previously on “Bitter, Party of One,” a mid-season pickup by VH1…

Alison has been dating the wrong type of men…so instead of putting her through a dating show with men she’s attracted to…she’ll be forced to date men she isn’t attracted to at all, because she just doesn’t care anymore.  Over the course of 4 weeks, Alison goes out on a blind date every night Monday through Thursday.  Each date is videotaped and then reviewed by her panel of single friends, “The Dater Haters,” on Friday night who decide which of that week’s lineup is good enough to be invited back for the final week of “speed dating,” ultimately concluding in a live proposal and marriage ceremony that she’s contractually obligated to follow through with no matter what. Will one of these below-average men turn out to be the Prince Charming she didn’t believe existed anyway?

And here’s the theme song.

A Top 3 Reality TV List for Old People

I turned 32 this month. There are a few ways in which I still consider myself pretty young. I can still dance until 4am without getting tired if the music is right. I’m a more active athlete than I ever was as a teenager. Most embarrassing of all, I have a retainer and I blog about dreamy celebrities. 

But then, there are some certifiable ways in which I’m old. My jet black hair comes from a box, and without the dye I look like a Mexican Nick Fury. Here’s a visual aid for those of you who sat with people at lunch in high school…

I can’t keep up with most of the bands at Coachella that everyone seems to know from the Napster. And  tellingly, I consider myself too old for reality TV. I’m not watching 20/20 yet, but I’m not down with the “Snooki,” or the “Tardy for the Party,” or the “LC Conrad.”

To me, as an old person, these are the three greatest reality TV moments of all time.

1. It Wasn’t Not Funny. 

What I Thought Then: She’s right. It isn’t not funny. (Also, I hate this Beth chick.)

What I Think Now: It isn’t not NOT funny though, right? Do you get what I’m saying here? (Also, I hate Beth, and I hate her hat.)

2. The Slap Heard ‘Round The World. 

What I Thought Then: I’m not talking about anything related to people coming out. I have no opinion, I kissed a girl once.

What I Think Now: What happened to all that lyme disease awareness? I have to assume he slapped it out of her. Science FTW.

3. Puck Puts His Snot in the Peanut Butter.

What I Thought Then: How did we, as a nation, put up with this Puck guy?! Now as a gay guy, knowing what we do sexually, I have to stress: I am in no position to debate hygiene. But Puck is the worst ever. If I saw him today, I would still be mad at him, because I never got a chance to say my peace at the house. I… I have a lot of feelings. Because in the beginning, it was me and him. Me. And him.

What I Think Now: Pedro was a really good guy, who talked about himself in the third person A LOT. Also, I wish that in the middle of this whole thing, Pam and Judd would have made out. Just to change the subject.

That’s all. Oh, and I owned The Grind workout tapes. And I did them. Don’t tell.